It Parches a Man's Throat

The Mexican League

Mr. Peabody: "Welcome again to another episode of Mr. Peabody and Sherman, with our very special guest - Mark II. Sherman, set the WAY BACK MACHINE to the year 1825 A.D."

Way Back Machine: "WWWWHHHHIIIIZZZZ, WWWWHHHHIIIIRRRRLLLL, ZZZZAAAAPPPP, ZZZZOOOOIIIINNNNKKKK!!"

Mr. Peabody: "Folks, we are here in El Paso del Norte ('the Pass of the North'), site of football play in the Mexican League."

Sherman: "El Paso was part of Mexico then, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Thanks, Mr. Peabody. Yes, Sherman. Mexico in the mid 1820s included most of what now comprises the American Southwest, stretching from Texas to California. It was a wild and wooly land of gunslinging pistoleros, lawless cowboys and renegade Indians. Murder, theft, gun running, whiskey trading and other assorted acts of lawlessness were the order of the day."

Mr. Peabody: "Sounds like a pretty dangerous place, Mark II. How do we know about play in the Mexican League?"

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, I've discovered here in the vault of the Bank of El Paso a previously unknown set of plays written by Marco Leone, ancestor of movie director Sergio Leone, which document football play in the Mexican League. The plays eventually fell into Sergio's hands and became the inspiration for his famous 'Spaghetti Westerns.' They also formed the basis for many other classic westerns produced by Sergio's well known colleague Clint Eastwood."

Sherman: "Gee, Mark II, that's interesting. So tell us about play in the Mexican League."

Mark II: "Glad to Sherman. The Mexican League was divided into three divisions: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. Let's first look at play in the Good Division. Michigan fielded a team led by the Elliott Gang, consisting of brothers Frump and Deets Elliott and the great halfback Strom 'Old 45' Harmon."

Mr. Peabody: "Bump and Pete Elliott, the great Michigan brother team of the late 1940s, and Tom 'Old 98' Harmon, All-American running back in 1939-40, would have been proud, Mark II. Why was Strom Harmon called 'Old 45'? Was this his uniform number?"

Old 45 in the Maize and Blue

Mark II: "No, Mr. Peabody, it was the caliber of the bullets he used. Anyway, the Elliot Gang stormed through the opposition, often winning by huge margins. It must be said in fairness that much of the competition was rather weak. Local Mexican teams such as the Aztecs and the Lobos had little experience playing a team of Michigan's caliber and were clearly outgunned."

Sherman: "Did Michigan face any strong foe in the Good Division, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Yes, Sherman. Michigan's greatest challenge came from Bernie Beerman, known around the league as the PALE RIDER on account of his light complexion and taste for pale ales."

Mr. Peabody: "Ancestor of Bernie Beirman, Minnesota's great coach of the 1940s, Mark II?"

Mark II: "The same, Mr. Peabody. He led a wagon train south from what would later become Minnesota Territory and became quite a powerful force in the early days, capturing several titles. He named his team the Gophers in honor of the most prevalent road kill on the trail to El Paso. Michigan and the Gophers eventually met in the first Tequila Bowl and played for a casket full of stolen gold."

Sherman: "The Tequila Bowl, Mark II? A casket full of stolen gold? Sounds intriguing."

Mark II: "Yes, Sherman, and the whole event was documented in the play A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS. Not surprisingly, Tequila played a major role in the game's outcome. The players passed around a Little Brown Jug of the beverage between plays and by the middle of the fourth quarter most could barely stand. Indeed, Michigan prevailed in the closing moments when the Gophers' quarterback passed out in his own end zone, providing the winning safety. From that day on Michigan and the Gophers have played annually for the Little Brown Jug, caskets of stolen gold being in short supply."

Mr. Peabody: "Tell us about play in the Bad Division, Mark II."

Mark II: "The Bad Division is a story of complete lawlessness, Mr. Peabody. The Mexican League featured many fierce Indian tribes - the Red Raiders and the Utes among others. The Seminoles, however, proved to be the most powerful football tribe and theirs is a tale of both despair and jubilation. The Seminoles had been a power in world football for some time but had never captured a title, mainly because of erratic placekicking. Disgruntled fans exiled them from Florida and they journeyed west to what later became the Indian Territory (eventually Oklahoma). In Seminoles football history this path became known as the 'Trail of Jeers.' This journey was repeated fifteen years later when the Cherokees signed a disadvantageous treaty with the U. S. Government and embarked on a journey along the 'Trail of Tears.'"

Sherman: "I've heard of the Cherokees' sad journey, Mark II."

Mark II: "Sad indeed, Sherman. Anyway, after regrouping in the Indian Territory the Seminoles set out for El Paso recruiting some of the swiftest players in football history. Their recruiting proved overzealous, however, including as it did the offer of money, guns, whiskey and squaws to potential signees. Indeed, the Seminoles' recruiting practices were immortalized in the play FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE."

Mr. Peabody: "Who were the other powers in this division, Mark II? And when did the good times start for the Seminoles?"

Mark II: "Well, Mr. Peabody, Lawless Phillips, a descendant of the Egyptian Neb-Ra-Ska Dynasty became an important factor in the division. He was a brutal and volatile outlaw known particularly for requiring the losing team to paint the stadium red. His career was documented in HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER. He assembled a team of migrant farm workers and rode south to El Paso. The Cornhuskers, as they came to be known, proved to be a powerful threat and they eventually met the Seminoles in the championship game."

Sherman: "Sounds like quite a game, Mark II. What happened?"

Mark II: "Well, Sherman, it was one of the most exciting games in football history. The Seminoles won at the last moment when the Cornhuskers' placekicker tripped over a rattlesnake and shanked the game winning field goal, providing the Seminoles some poetic justice, I suppose. But the game will be remembered mainly for what happened to the officials."

He Played a Key Role in the Championship Game

Mr. Peabody: "What do you mean, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, the game had been marred by questionable officiating, most of the bad calls going against the Cornhuskers. Enraged gamblers, having lost many pesos on the outcome, strung up the officials from the nearest tree and HUNG them, as documented in the play HANG 'EM HIGH."

Sherman: "Oh my. Did Michigan field a team in the Bad Division, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Indeed, Sherman. Michigan was led by the great defensive back Sheriff Fly Law. But Sheriff Law was ineffective in the Bad Division and Michigan was unable to capture any titles. And by way of epilogue both the Cornhuskers and the Seminoles later righted their programs and transferred to the Good Division, where they dominated play for many years. Indeed, the Seminoles eventually returned home to Florida as heroes."

Mr. Peabody: "What happened in the Ugly Division, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, Michigan fielded a team coached by 'Big Whiskey' Moeller and his leadership did indeed contribute to the general ugliness of the division. But play in the Ugly Division is really the story of a blood feud between two competing gangs of gun runners and whisky traders - the Trojans and the Irish. The Trojans had sporadically been a force in world football since the Athenian League and experienced a revival under coach Juan Robinson, nicknamed 'Robofat' for his paunch belly. The Trojans were led by a dangerous maverick known as THE OUTLAW O. J. WALES (changed to Josey Wales for the movie). Meanwhile the Irish, a band of settlers having fled Ireland during the potato famines, were led by a Catholic nun - Sister Sarah Parseghian, or 'Our Lady' as she was called by the team."

Sherman: "A woman coach, Mark II? Interesting."

Mark II: "Indeed, Sherman, and she ruled over the Irish with an iron fist."

Mr. Peabody: "I know the Trojans and Irish met in the championship game, Mark II. Tell us about it."

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, in the days leading up to the title game tension was high in El Paso. Each team's headquarters had been fortified and key players and coaches had gone into seclusion. But a mysterious loner with no name began playing both camps against each other for his own profit. He betrayed Sister Sarah's whereabouts to O. J. Wales for a couple of burros. The whole sordid deal was documented in the play TWO MULES FOR SISTER SARAH. On the eve of the big game Sister Sarah mysteriously disappeared. Without her leadership the Irish were no match for the Trojans."

Sherman: "What became of Sister Sarah, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Sister Sarah was never seen again, Sherman. Most observers thought that she had been abducted and killed by O. J. Wales but this was never actually proven. Outraged Irish fans tried to hang O. J. Wales but he was shot off the rope by his old friend and legal advisor Juanny, also known as the Cockroach. Juanny the Cockroach swept in, hefted O. J. Wales onto the back of his horse and rode off into the hills. Belief in O. J. Wales' guilt persisted, however, and even today he remains UNFORGIVEN in the public eye."

Juanny the Cockroach Shot O. J. Wales Off a Hangman's Rope

Mr. Peabody: "Well, that certainly was ugly, Mark II. The old West was really wild after all."

Sherman: "So how many titles did Michigan win in the Mexican League, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Another 10, Sherman, all in the Good Division. Hey, it's really hot and dry around here and all this narrating has left me parched. Let's head over to the cantina - it's happy hour."

Mr. Peabody: "I'm there dude. Sherman, you're underage."