Martial Arts Were an Important Part of the Game

The Far East League

Mr. Peabody: "Welcome again to another episode of Mr. Peabody and Sherman, with our very special guest - Mark II. Sherman, set the WAY BACK MACHINE to the year 1780 A.D."

Way Back Machine: "WWWWHHHHIIIIZZZZ, WWWWHHHHIIIIRRRRLLLL, ZZZZAAAAPPPP, ZZZZOOOOIIIINNNNKKKK!!"

Mr. Peabody: "Folks, we are here at the Forbidden City in what is now Beijing."

Sherman: "Mark II, why is it called the Forbidden City?"

Mark II: "Thanks Mr. Peabody. Sherman, the Forbidden City was the site of the Far East League football playoffs. It was called the Forbidden City for the obvious reason that the city was forbidden to all but the elite teams which qualified for the playoffs. Also, the Emperor of China, who was an avid football fan I might add, happened to live there and he liked his privacy. "

Mr. Peabody: "Tell us about play in this league, Mark II."

Mark II: "Glad too, Mr. Peabody. The Far East League was a highly competitive league with many talented teams. Interestingly, the martial arts were an essential element of play in the league. Japan - the 'land of the rising sun' - fielded a very dangerous team. The Sun Devils were coached by Shogun Yokozona and were experts in the use of Karate and Judo. The Huskies, adept kickboxers, swept down from Siberia and captured a title under the direction of Igor Donjamesovich. The Aggies, a team of Vietnamese rice farmers led by linebacker Phat Nguyen, were also a factor. They were skillful in the art of Tae-kwon-do, having mastered the skills during an exhibition in Korea ."

The Sun Devils' Helmet

Sherman: "Very interesting, Mark II. How does Michigan fix into this mix?"

Mark II: "Sherman, Michigan was led by the renown Shaolin priest Kwai-Chang Carr, and his story is an interesting one indeed. Carr's parents, English missionaries to China, were killed by a mob of marauding Sun Devils fans while watching a football game, and he was orphaned at a very early age. The Shaolin priests took him in and named him Kwai-Chang. But around the monastery he was known mainly as 'Grasshopper.' It was here in the Shaolin Monastery that Kwai-Chang Carr would learn the ways of Kung Fu football."

Mr. Peabody: "The priests were knowledgeable about football? Fascinating, Mark II. What kind of training did Kwai-Chang Carr receive at the Shaolin Monastery?"

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, Kwai-Chang Carr's training consisted of several distinct regimens. He was first required to master the spiritual aspects of football. Over many years he learned to be as one with the football universe - the sod of the field, the breeze on his face, the blood on his uniform. Only upon reaching an inner peace and harmony could he hope to hone his technical skills."

Sherman: "OOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM."

Mark II: "After his spiritual awakening Kwai-Chang Carr undertook to master the technical fundamentals of Kung Fu football, including the following techniques:

(1) Ascertaining through the use of his senses the position of his opponents without actually seeing them. In years of training Kwai-Chang Carr was never once sacked from behind;

(2) Avoiding oncoming tacklers by entering into a hypnotic trance and LEVITATING. This was more effective and impressive than vaulting or high-stepping;

(3) When in a tackler's grasp, disappearing completely and mystically reappearing in the end zone. This produced a profoundly demoralizing effect on the opposition."

Mr. Peabody: "These techniques sound advanced, not basic. What were the other skills, Mark II?"

Mark II: "Mr. Peabody, after mastering the fundamentals Kwai-Chang Carr was privileged to receive instruction from the three greatest football masters in the Shaolin Monastery: Mo QingZhao ('Mo' for short), Ker-Huang Li ('Ker Li' for short) and Lao Yi. Mo was accomplished in the arts of two-fingered eye poking, pie throwing and head hammering. Ker Li was skilled in hand movement hypnosis and belly bouncing. Lao Yi specialized in butt kicking. Together Mo, Ker Li and Lao Yi possessed a unique knowledge of martial arts technique, and comprised a pretty fair comedy team too."

Sherman: "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

Kwai-Chang Carr Was Branded With the Dragon

Mark II: "Well, it almost goes without saying the Kwai-Chang Carr, with his Shaolin training, had no peer in the Far East League. He assembled the finest group of eye pokers, head hammerers, belly bouncers and butt kickers in all of China. Under his leadership Michigan fought, kicked, hammered and gouged its way to 30 titles."

Mr. Peabody: "BOINK, BAM, OUCH, GRRR."

Sherman: "It sounds like a great period for Michigan football, Mark II."

Mark II: "There was one sad note, Sherman. Kwai-Chang Carr was eventually banished from China for eye poking the Emperor's nephew, who had been taunting him during an important game. He crossed the Pacific and spent his latter years wandering the American West in search of a pick-up football game. I'm not sure that he ever found his game. He was a just and kind man, though, and righted many wrongs along his way."

Sherman: "His contribution to Michigan football will never be forgotten."

Mark II: "Very true, Sherman. Very true."